The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2014
Introduction Todd plays Pitbull ft. Kesha - "Timber"#11 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 on the piano. THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2014 A year-end retrospective Todd: In 2013...I'll admit, I got really negative. I was just so burnt out by how bad the year was for music that a lot of people told me I started getting kinda hard to watch. There's only so much bile and anger people can take before it gets to you, so I get it. So for 2014, I decided to make an effort to, you know, be more positive, have more fun, try not to be so bitter and depressing and crabby. For the most part, I think I succeeded. :Clip from review for "Turn Down for What"#15 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Todd: TURN DOWN FOR WHAT! the piano with his groin, which he regrets immediately Todd: Yeah, see, we have fun, don't we? No, no, I did enjoy reviewing music this year more than I did the year before, and I'm glad and I think it was...more positive to watch, and I want some goddamn credit for that because 2014 was even worse! :Montage of clips of MAGIC! - "Rude"#11 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Meghan Trainor - "All About That Bass"#8 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Jason Derulo ft. 2 Chainz - "Talk Dirty"#6 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; DJ Snake and Lil Jon - "Turn Down for What"; Sia - "Chandelier"#25 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Sam Smith - "Stay With Me"#10 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Nicki Minaj - "Anaconda"; and Taylor Swift - "Blank Space" Todd (VO): This was actually the worst year in...well, pretty much everything, but especially pop music, I think I can even remember. Not only was the bad stuff bad, the good stuff wasn't as good. We'll deal with the good song shortage in the other list, but holy God, this year blew. I hated it. I hated this year from beginning to end. Yeah... Todd: ...I,I know I'm really late this year. It's just...I had a lot of bad stuff to deal with, so let's just get this over with. Ladies and gentlemen... :Clip of Ariana Grande ft. Zedd - "Break Free"#37 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100, which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown. :Ariana: This is the part when I say I don't want ya Todd (VO): The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2014! :Ariana: ...I break free :'Cause I can't resist it no more #10 Todd (VO): #10. :Clip from ''The Voice '' :Chris Jamison: finishing I still get jealous :Carson Daly: Adam, what did you think? :Adam Levine: Dude, listen. Yeah, you're cute, all right? Todd (VO): No, no, stop, I don't care what you have to say to that guy. Maybe he's... Todd: ...the worst singer alive, I don't know. But at least he doesn't sound like a cyborg robot goose. :Clip of "Maps"#29 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Todd (VO): Maroon 5 may not be the worst thing in music, but they are the most pointless. Todd: All of Maroon 5's songs in the past four years remind me of...like, of... a table or a towel rod, a blender, just some kind of functional product there... Todd (VO): ...to serve a basic need; in this case, to fill time on the radio. [Clip from ''American Psycho]'' If Patrick Bateman existed in 2014, Maroon 5 would be exactly the kind of middle-of-the-road, soulless garbage he'd listen to. So I guess it's sort of fitting that... Todd: ...Maroon 5 has finally released a song that may as well be from Patrick Bateman's point of view. #10. Maroon 5 - "Animals"#62 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Adam: Baby, I'm preying on you tonight :Hunt you down, eat you alive :Just like animals Todd (VO): It's nice to know that even when making a song about killing and devouring someone, Maroon 5 remain as bland and lifeless as ever. From what I can tell, Maroon 5 are making the effort to start sounding like an actual band again, which is nice, but it still hasn't made them any less dull. Todd: But it's nice to know that even the dullest band can, on occasion, be goddamn hilarious. :Adam: Hunt you down eat you alive : Just like animals, animals, like animals-mals Todd: "Animals-mals"? :Clip from ''All That '' :Repairman (Kel Mitchell): I'm Repairman-man-man-man! Todd: Or... Todd (VO): ...let us not neglect the video, which casts Adam goddamn Levine as, no joke, sexy Leatherface. :Adam: I love your lies, I'll eat 'em up Todd (VO): So, if I understand the idea behind "Animals-mals" correctly, Adam Levine is this monster or murderer or stalker or someone who's gonna hunt you down and kill you in a sexy way. Todd: I, personally, find that more creepy than anything, but from the first... as five mega-successful Twilight movies have proved, there is a of women with sign reading, "Twilight Moms" large demographic who does find that kind of thing hot. Todd: And various entertainment news outlets keep trying to tell me that [cover of ''People Magazine giving the "Sexiest Man Alive" title to...]'' Adam Levine is someone people find attractive too. If you say so, I guess. Todd (VO): Look, I am not qualified to explain what, if anything, makes Adam Levine attractive, but I'm pretty sure it's not his dangerous, bad-boy appeal. Todd: Yeah, you'd better watch out, little girl. Better watch yourself because I'm preying on you tonight! Todd (VO): Adam Levine is a preening, pretty-boy douchebag. He's not a Phantom of the Opera type, he's not gonna hunt you down and kill you, he's the douchey asshole who gets killed. :Clips from ''American Horror Story: Asylum :'Leo Morrison (Adam Levine): Help me. :Face stabs him repeatedly as his wife watches in horror '''Todd (VO): See? There you go. Todd: That's just perfect casting. Todd (VO): I could watch that over and over again. Sure makes more sense than having him be... :Adam: AH-OOOOOOOOOOO!!! :Baby I'm... Todd: aback Oh my God. Todd (VO): Did that just happen? That was amazing. Wow. Wow. God bless you, Maroon 5. Most of the songs on this list just piss me off, but "Animals-mals" is the funniest piece of hilari-garbage of the year. Todd: Hunt you down, eat you alive! :Adam: Yeah, yeah, yeah Interlude #9 Todd (VO): #9. Todd: Now, I'm gonna assume that since you're watching my show, you are a connoisseur of modern pop music-based Internet comedy videos, so you may have seen this little gem floating around YouTube. :Video of the 1988 National Aerobic Championship Opening with "Shake It Off" dubbed over :Taylor: I stay out too late :Got nothing in my brain :That's what people say :Mm-mmm Todd (VO): Yeah, that's pretty funny, right? Todd: And it's also the video that put Taylor Swift on this list. #9. Taylor Swift - "Shake It Off"#13 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Taylor: 'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play :And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate :Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake :I shake it off, I shake it off Todd (VO): See, I didn't actually want to put "Shake It Off" on the list because, you know what, at least it's upbeat. I had a lot of problems with of, respectively by MAGIC! and Meghan Trainor... "Rude" and "All About That Bass," but they're not on this list because... Todd: ...at least they're happy. Whereas the rest of 2014 just felt like this... :Clip of Tove Lo - "Habits (Stay High)" Todd (VO): ...dull, low, humming drone from artists like Tove Lo, Jeremih...gotta be brutally honest here, Lorde. of... Or even Taylor's own much-better followup, "Blank Space." So, you know, this happy self-affirmation, that should be enough to keep it off the list, right? Todd: But no. :Clip of aerobic video Todd (VO): This video is right. "Shake It Off" does sound like the soundtrack to a jazzercise video. Well, I don't feel like jazzercising, and it's like Taylor Swift's right there in my ear, telling me to jump and kick and work those abs and goddammit all, shut up! Stop! I mean, how better to describe all the obnoxious, forced cheer of this song. I could make a Top 10 list out of the worst moments in this song, from "hey, hey, hey" to "this sick beat" to "hella good hair"... Todd: ...to "my ex...man" to... "My ex-man"?! No one says that! No one should ever say that! Todd (VO): You know what actually would top that list of worst moments? :Taylor: I go on too many dates chuckles Todd: There. That little forced laugh. Todd (VO): Tee-hee-hee, oh, those silly people who think I go on too many dates. I find that... Todd: ...so silly and insignificant that I get a carefree laugh about it in this song I wrote about it and recorded and released to the public. I totally don't care, guys. Todd (VO): And as I've said repeatedly, Taylor Swift has conquered the world, so there's no getting away from her. "Shake It Off" is still in the Top 10 right now. Todd: If you want a vision of the future, imagine a human face being stamped on... Todd (VO): ...by this...sick...beat... Todd: ...forever. :Taylor: Shake it off Interlude #8 Todd (VO): #8. :Clip of Mike Will Made It ft. Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa and Juicy J - "23"#90 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Miley: I'm in the club :High on purp with some shades on Todd (VO): It's fair to say that Miley Cyrus has... Todd: ...evolved over the course of her career. :Clip of "Party in the USA" Todd (VO): I don't know what the future holds for her, but even if she stopped making music today, she leaves an impressively diverse legacy of music through multiple genres over the course of almost a decade. of "Jolene" And we can debate the most significant parts of that legacy all we want, but I don't think she's gotten enough credit for the fact that, just about six years ago, she pretty much decided the future... Todd: ...of an entire genre of music. :Clip from ''Hannah Montana: The Movie :'Miley': If you guys don't mind, I'm gonna add a little hip hop to this hoedown. '''Todd (VO)': Thanks, Miley. I blame the... Todd: ...godawful mess that is the current state of country music entirely on you. :Video for... :FL GA Line: This is how we roll #8. Florida Georgia Line ft. Luke Bryan - "This Is How We Roll"#49 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Todd (VO): Yeah, country music has been going downhill for years now, but it feels like in 2014, the quality level just plummeted at light-speed. Todd: There were many worse artists. :Clip of live performance dubbed over with Jerrod Niemann - "Donkey" :Jerrod: Gonna ride that donkey, donkey :Down to the honky tonky :It's gonna get funky, funky :Brays Todd: But... Todd (VO): Florida Georgia Line was the only one popular enough in the mainstream to really hold that mantle for country music's painful decline. Now, most people would disagree that bro-country is Miley's fault, seeing as it's so overwhelmingly male. Todd: I mean, it's got the word "bro" right in the title. Todd (VO): But the part of bro-country that clumsily co-opts hip hop slang? Yeah, that's always reminded me more of the spoiled rich girls of pop like Miley or Kesha. Todd: I mean, listen to this. :FL GA Line: We light it up with our hands up :This is how we roll :This is how we do Todd: De-do-de-do :Clip of Katy Perry - "This Is How We Do" :Katy: This is how we do :This is how we do Todd (VO): And yes, most people will tell you bro-country is bad because it's so samey and repetitive and it's always about drunken meatheads hitting on girls in as doofy a way as possible, and that's certainly true. Todd: But can we talk about just how blatantly embarrassed bro-country is at having to even be country music? :Tyler: Yeah, baby, this is how we roll :We rollin' into town :With nothing else to do, we take another lap around :Yeah, holler at your boy Todd (VO): I used to be bothered by how conservative and shut off from modern trends Nashville was back in the day, but this new stuff isn't a fusion of different genres, it's just plain country music wishing it was something else. :Tyler: The mixtape's got a little Hank, little Drake Todd (VO): Uh, that's nice that you listen to Drake, guys. Todd: Drake isn't listening back. Todd (VO): So keep writing your fan mail to him, he's not gonna invite you onto one of his singles. You can get Nelly because Nelly hasn't had a hit in years, but the actual superstars you want to rub elbows with? Hell, no. Not happening. Not when you guys rap like this. :Tyler: How fresh my baby is in the shotgun seat, oh : Them kisses are for me though, automatic like a free throw :just groans :This life I live it might not be for you but it's for me though :Clip of Vanilla Ice - "Ice Ice Baby" :Vanilla Ice: Yo, man, let's get outta here :Word to your mother Todd (VO): While this was the most popular, if you really started listening to country radio, it's just getting even worse. I mean, look at it. of Jason Aldean - "Burnin' It Down"#63 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100... Making straight-up R&B songs, Niemann - "Drink to That All Night" featuring... collaborating with Pitbull, "Donkey" this atrocity. Stupid trends like hair metal and boy bands, they look stupid in hindsight, but this shit is lame right now. It's bad country, and it's bad rap. Florida, Georgia, thank you for demonstrating how you roll. Todd: It sucks. Now please roll it back. Note: The remix features Jason DeRulo. Interlude #7 Todd (VO): #7. Todd: So...I'm pretty active on Twitter, logo: follow me at @ShadowTodd! mostly so I can see what people are talking about most of the time, but Twitter has its own weird quirks because it skews so young, and one of the most puzzling things about it was this year-long series search of #5sos of trending hashtags I saw. #5sosAwkwardTurtle, #5sosMoonFace, #5sosDolphinBodies What is this? 5 s o s? 5sos? 5 SO's? What does that mean? What does it stand for? begins in background I made it through most of the year without finding out what that was supposed to be. And once I did, boy, oh boy, did I wish I hadn't. #7. 5 Seconds of Summer - "She Looks So Perfect"#93 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :5 Seconds of Summer: Hey, hey Todd (VO): Funny thing: as far as boy bands go, I actually don't think 5 Seconds of Summer are that bad. I really don't. If I had to pick between one pack of pretty-boys that play instruments, I'll take a new 5 Seconds of Summer song over Maroon 5 any day of the week. Even this song in particular; it's got more going for it than a lot of songs. I mean, listen to that stomping, glam-rock, "whoa whoa" right there. As far as Fall Out Boy wannabes go, this is not actually that bad, right? So why is it on here? Todd: Why did 5 Seconds of Summer make it on the list? Why, oh why? :Luke Hemmings: But don't move, honey :5 Seconds of Summer: You look so perfect standing there :In my American Apparel underwear Todd: scratch I'm sorry, I believe I just heard a lyric so bad, it made my digital Internet video make a record-scratch noise somehow. Can I hear that again? :5 Seconds of Summer: You look so perfect standing there :In my American Apparel underwear :And I know now Todd (VO): I don't know if American Apparel paid 5 Seconds of Summer to write an ad for them, but writing an ad is definitely what they just did. There is no other way to read that line. There is no straight guy in the world... Todd: ...no, no. No guy in the world, no human being in the world...who would Todd (VO): ...who would look at their lover and feel the need to point out... Todd: ...the brand of their own undies. Todd (VO): No one would even use the word "underwear." of kids' underwear Underwear is what you buy for little kids. It's not a sexy word. That one line earned the song a spot on the list. It's potentially the worst lyric I've ever covered on this show, not that the rest of the chorus makes it any better. :5 Seconds of Summer: And I know now, that I'm so down Todd: "I'm so down." Another thing people don't say when they're in love. :5 Seconds of Summer: Your lipstick stain is a work of art :I got your name tattooed in an arrow heart Todd (VO): Okay, those lines are something someone might say, if, you know, they're a kid with no talent at writing lyrics. But at least it's a more amateur level of horror-bad than the soulless advertisement-bad of the rest of the song. Combined, it makes the worst chorus I've ever heard. It's the worst attempt at a pop-punk love song since... Todd: ...geez, Simple Plan. :Clip of Simple Plan - "Addicted" :Pierre Bouvier: I'm addic- :I'm addicted to you Todd: Boy, oh boy, didn't everyone want a new Simple Plan. gag in mouth :5 Seconds of Summer: And I know now, that I'm so down Interlude #6 Todd (VO): #6. :Clip of Chris Brown ft. Usher and Rick Ross - "New Flame"#77 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Chris: There can be one only you, girl Todd (VO): Oh, Chris Brown. I...can't really work up the hate-on for this kid I used to be able to. Todd: The passion's gone. I mean, what did he do controversial this year? Anything? No. He did nothing except of Chris in court assault a random person and spend five months in jail. By Chris Brown standards, that's nothing. Todd (VO): But the upside is, now that time has dulled my outrage about what a terrible person he is, now we can focus on what a terrible artist he is. As a pop star, he's still completely lacking in charisma, and vocally, he's still well below par. He released a song that had a guest verse from Usher this year, and holy God, was sharing a stage with Usher a mistake. Chris Brown was so outclassed, it was... of "Mona Lisa"... it was like hanging a Da Vinci next to that Jesus monkey portrait that old lady painted. Todd: Chris Brown's skills are so lacking, it reminds me of...something. But I don't know what it is. #6. Kid Ink ft. Chris Brown - "Show Me"#43 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Chris: Baby... Todd (VO): Technically, this is not a song by Chris Brown, but from the rapper on the track—a guy named Kid Ink, which sounds like the name of... of a line of glitter pens. But he's such a non-presence that really, Chris Brown kind of dominates it. "Dominated by Chris Brown" is, of course, an unfortunate way to have to describe anything. Voiceover: '''Mustard on the beat. '''Todd (VO): The song really doesn't belong to Chris either. "Show Me" is really a showcase for one of 2014's breakout talentless—''of...'' DJ Mustard. Yeah, it's a silly name. I assume he calls himself that because his music is about as enjoyable as a faceful of old soldier in a gas mask of mustard gas. If you heard a terrible R&B song this year, it was probably him. :Clips of Trey Songz - "Na Na"#53 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Trey: Oh na na, look what you... Todd (VO): That's him. :...and Jeremih ft. YG - "Don't Tell 'Em" :Jeremih: Don't tell 'em :Don't tell 'em Todd (VO): That's also him. And worst of all, this song is him. His thing is dark, minimalist beats that are completely and totally no fun at all, but still somehow get unfixably lodged in your head. Todd: But the worst part of "Show Me" isn't the beat, it's the chorus. :Chris: Baby let me put your panties to the side :I'mma make you feel alright Todd (VO): Oh Chris, I love it when you talk dirty. No, that's not the bad part. Here you go. :Chris: Mami you remind me of something :But I don't know what it is :Cause you remind me of something :Girl, you gotta show me Todd: What the hell kind of pickup line was that?! :Clip of R. Kelly - "You Remind Me of Something" :R. Kelly: You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it Todd (VO): Like, when R. Kelly did this, it was sleazy, but at least there was a punchline. :Chris: You remind me of something :You gotta show me Todd (VO): Did they just forget to write the other half of it? Is your...is the girl supposed to find that charming? Todd: Hey, uh...I lost my phone number. with crickets chirping Let's have sex. Todd (VO): What does she remind you of? Your grandma? Filing taxes? A trip to the dentist? Todd: What? :Chris: You remind me of something :You gotta show me Todd (VO): Fortunately, you don't have to show me anything because I already know what this reminds me of. Todd: Shit. Next! :Chris: You gotta show me TO BE CONTINUED... #5 Interlude Todd (VO): #5. :Clip of Iggy Azalea and MØ performing "Beg for It" at the American Music Awards :MØ: I know you like the way I turn it on :I'm out here with my friends :Iggy: I'mma make you beg :I'mma make you beg for it Todd: To stop. :Clip of "Fancy"#4 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 ft. Charli XCX :Iggy: First things first, I'm the realest Todd (VO): Iggy Azalea's white-girl-pretending-to-be-black-male shtick was one of the most [Screenshots of ''The Daily Beast article: "The Cultural Crimes of Iggy Azalea" and Salon article: "Iggy Azalea's post-racial mess: America's oldest race tale, remixed"]'' controversial things in music this year. I think it's kind of a complex issue, but... Todd: ...fortunately, the argument is made much less complicated by the fact that Iggy Azalea just plain sucks. :Clip of T.I. ft. Iggy Azalea - "No Mediocre"#87 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Todd (VO): Is this offensive? Disrespectful? Cultural appropriation? I don't know. Todd: Who cares? It sucks. Todd (VO): Why even argue about it? It's nails on a chalkboard either way. Todd: begins in background In a better year, I would have room for multiple Iggy Azalea songs, but because 2014 was so bad, I've only got space for the one. Enjoy. #5. Iggy Azalea ft. Rita Ora - "Black Widow"#26 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Rita: I'm gonna love ya until ya hate me Todd: Well, I do hate you, so you can stop now. :Rita: I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love ya :I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love ya :Like a black widow, baby Todd (VO): Did anyone anywhere like this song? The appeal of any of Iggy Azalea's hits this year was totally lost on me, but this one most of all. Iggy Azalea wants to sound dangerous and threatening? She's not. Rita Ora wants to sound like she has personality? She doesn't. of... I mean, I didn't like "Fancy," but at least "Fancy" had a hook. It also had Charli XCX, who at least has an interesting voice, but... :Rita: You used to be, thirsty for me (right) Todd (VO): Rita Ora? Look, England, you've tried to export her over here several times. It's not gonna happen. Just...please stop. :Iggy: It's like I loved you so much and now I just hate you Todd (VO): I mean, we already had clip of Katy Perry and Juicy J's... "Dark Horse," we didn't even need that, let alone this sad rip-off of it. :Iggy: I'm gonna lo-lo-lo-love you until it hurts Todd (VO): And if anyone was interested in a song about an unstoppable, vengeful, crazy ex, well, now that we have... of... "Blank Space," we really don't need "Black Widow." Yeah, Taylor Swift... Todd: air quotes ..."cutie pie, adorable Taylor Swift"... Todd (VO): of Taylor holding a guitar near some butterflies ...was a more believable psychotic monster than to "Black Widow" the dirty, hardcore rapper. :Rita: And I'm gonna show ya (Show 'em what? Show 'em what?) :What's really crazy Todd (VO): As a matter of fact, I'll never believe anything from Iggy Azalea! Whatever she tries to portray herself as, on a sheer musical level. Now, ignoring the politics or whatever, that awful, phony accent will always make Iggy Azalea sound like a poseur! Even on her songs that aren't terrible, it's a problem. And it's not like "Black Widow" does anything interesting to redeem it. Todd: I-I don't even know what else to say about this. This is just pointless. ...Wait a minute. So... Todd (VO): Iggy Azalea is this femme-fatale maneater who...kills the ones who scorn her? I have an idea? Can we hook up Iggy Azalea with of "Animals" Adam Levine, so they can mutually devour each other? Todd: Can we? Please? :Iggy: Bla-bla-black widow, baby Interlude #4 :Clip of Jason DeRulo - "Talk Dirty" :Girl: Jason :Jason DeRulo Todd (VO): I reviewed two Jason DeRulo songs this year. Uh, they were both pretty terrible. :Clip of "Wiggle" :Snoop Dogg: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle Todd (VO): Jason DeRulo's a pretty terrible guy, he's a talentless moron. Yeah, uh, "Talk Dirty" and "Wiggle" were a one-two punch of stupid that I don't think he'll ever be able to top. Todd: But goddamn if he isn't gonna try. :Video for... :Jason: And the trumpets, they go #4. Jason DeRulo - "Trumpets"#61 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Todd (VO): You know what? Say what you want about "Talk Dirty" and "Wiggle"; at least they're slimy on purpose. But "Trumpets" is different because... Todd: ...even though it was released after those songs, it was clip of "The Other Side" recorded before them back in 2013, when Jason DeRulo was still trying to be smooth and slick and what have you. So, if you were wondering if the grossness of "Talk Dirty" and "Wiggle" was an intentional, artistic decision, or... Todd (VO): ...whether he just really is that dumb, well, let's listen to him when he's trying to be sincere. :Jason: I hear symphonies in my head Todd (VO): Okay, see? The premise of this song is that whenever he sees this girl, he's so filled with love and joy and happiness that he starts to hear music. Todd: A veritable heavenly choir singing just to him. :Jason: And the trumpets they go :section :And they playing for you girl Todd (VO): Let's ignore for the moment that these particular trumpets are so awkward and badly inserted that they may as well just be off-tempo fart noises. Todd: No, let us hear Monsieur DeRulo describe, in his own words, the joyous music that plays whenever his eyes catch the sight of his beloved fair maiden. :Jason: Is it weird that I hear :Violins whenever you’re gone (whenever you’re gone) :Is it weird that your ass :Remind me of a Kanye West song? Todd: disbelief What? :Jason: Is it weird that your ass :Remind me of a Kanye West song? Todd (VO): Okay, first off... Todd: ...what Kanye song are you talking about? :Clip from ''Runaway :'Kanye': She find pictures in my email :I sent this bitch a picture of my dick '''Todd (VO)': Kanye raps about a lot of things, but I don't think he's ever written a full-on ass anthem, making him one of the few people this year who didn't. Todd: Secondly, if you're trying to prove how in love you are, best not to focus on the ass, okay? Focus on, I don't know, the eyes. :Jason: Is it weird that your eyes :Remind me of a Coldplay song Todd: guessing They were all yellow? Todd (VO): Well, it's...it's better, at least. Anything else? :Jason: Is it weird that your bra :Remind me of a Katy Perry song Todd tries to say something, but thinks better of it Todd (VO): Okay, so here's the song throat in a nutshell. Here we go. Todd: "Hey...I like your tits." pop up playing trumpet fanfare :Jason: Is it weird that your bra :Remind me of a Katy Perry song Todd (VO): Now, [[The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2014##6|I am definitely sure Katy Perry never released a song about her own boobs]]. So this isn't about any songs at all, is it? It's about how her rack reminds you of a celebrity's rack. And boy, doesn't every woman wanna hear that when you see her, you're thinking about a different woman entirely? :Jason: Is it weird that I hear :Trumpets when you’re turning me on? Todd (VO): But the worst part, as always, is that it's being sung by Jason DeRulo. He's just one of the worst singers alive, so if you want to hear this yelping idiot serenade his own boner, well, have at it. Me? I just want him to just... Todd: ...go away. :Video ends Interlude #3 Todd (VO): #3. :Video for... :Lil Wayne: Young moolah, baby (let me see) :Chris Brown: You thought it was over? Todd: No, I wished it was over. Big difference. #3. Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne and Tyga - "Loyal"#30 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Chris: These hoes ain't loyal :These hoes ain't loyal Todd (VO): Now like I said, the Rihanna incident has kind of faded with time, but still, right? It's pretty messed up that a guy who did what Chris Brown did can release a song called "These Hoes Ain't Loyal" and have it be a hit, am I right? I'm not the only one who's bothered by this, am I? Todd: Yeah, girls generally fail to be loyal if you call them hoes, Chris, or if you punch them. Todd (VO): But even more than Chris Brown, I point the failure of this song directly at frequent collaborator and sentient five-foot iguana, Lil Wayne. :Lil Wayne: I wasn't born last night :I know these hoes ain't right Todd (VO): It's downright hilarious that I'm supposed to believe Lil Wayne cares even one tiniest bit that these hoes are loyal or not. Todd: I mean, I believe Chris Brown cares. Todd (VO): Chris Brown cares a lot. He cares very deeply when these hoes ain't loyal. He cares so much that he gets really upset and emotional and confused and now look what you made him do. Todd: But Lil Wayne? :Clip of "Bitches Love Me" Ft Drake and Future :Lil Wayne: Baby, just make me cum :Then don't make a sound Todd (VO): Poor, sensitive soul, Lil Wayne. Burned by love so many times. The voice of tragedy and heartbreak of a generation, Lil Wayne. :Chris, Lil Wayne, Tyga: These hoes ain't loyal Todd (VO): Now like I said, I'd buy an angry song about disloyal hoes from Chris Brown. I wouldn't like it, but at least I'd believe it. Todd: But that's not even what the song is about. It's not about how hoes ain't loyal to him, it's about how they aren't loyal to you. :Chris: Just got rich :Took a broke nigga's bitch Todd (VO): Chris Brown can steal them from you because he's rich and he can simply lure these hoes away with cash. And Chris, if that's really the angle you wanna take, you might as well rename it "These Bros Ain't Loyal"... Todd: ...because I'm pretty sure what you're doing is violating of... The Bro Code. :Chris: When a rich nigga want you Todd (VO): More importantly, how proud can you really be about having so little game that you have to buy your bitches? :Chris: When I call her, she gon' leave Todd (VO): The dude you stole her from nailed that for free, so it seems like he's winning, as far as I'm concerned. Todd: Who likes this song? Who's impressed by it? Beat Oh, and Tyga's on the track too. :Tyga: Rich young nigga :Name got bigger and my change got bigger :So my chains got bigger Todd: to say Yep. Moving on. :Chris, Lil Wayne, Tyga: Let me see Interlude #2 Todd (VO): #2. :Video for... Todd: I don't even know what to add about this one. :Alexis Killacam: But first, let me take a selfie. #2. The Chainsmokers - "#selfie"''Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #16 '''Todd (VO): I'm actually not all that comfortable putting "#selfie" on a list of the worst hit songs of 2014 because it was only barely a hit, and also only barely a song. Todd: But the "of 2014" part, unfortunately, that holds up. :David Hasselhoff: Let me take a selfie Todd (VO): There was nothing else as painfully 2014 in 2014 as "#selfie." This was the year that we not only got the song "#selfie," pic of... but also the show Selfie. And by all accounts, it was just as obnoxious, 'cause the song "#selfie" was like if the entire year cartoon of Old Man 2013 holding Baby New Year 2014, who takes a selfie of 2014 itself took a selfie, and just like any bad selfie, we should've deleted it immediately. :Alexis: Oh no, ugh I feel like I'm gonna throw up Todd (VO): Yeah, I've already spoken at length about why this song is a horrible failure as music and a horrible failure as comedy, but even if it had been funny, so what? Speaking as someone who knows a little something about making fun of vapid white girls... Todd: ...it's shooting fish in a barrel. of "Valley Girl" by... Frank Zappa beat you to it, [...poster of ''White Chicks]'' the goddamn Wayans brothers beat you to it. Todd (VO): And even in the world of viral Internet videos, I can think of a better one that was funnier, and it came out eight years ago. :Clip of White Chicks and Gang Signs :Guy: White chicks and gang signs :White chicks and gang signs :G-G-G-Gang signs Todd (VO): I mean, that's not only better music, it's also way more on point. Todd: White girls, you probably shouldn't throw gang signs. shot of Taylor Swift throwing a "gang sign" in video for "[[The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2013##Honorable Mentions|22]" (ahem)] But as for just taking pictures of yourself? Todd (VO): Sure, take as many as you want. Don't let these two douchebags dictate how you're supposed to act. Sure, in a few years, it might just seem like an embarrassing document of your own young, stupid vapidness, but it couldn't possibly be more embarrassing... Todd: ...than having to spend the rest of your life as the guys who released "#selfie." :Alexis: Let me take a selfie Honorable Mentions Todd: And now, before the big reveal of what is the worst song of the year, some honorable mentions. '''''Jeremih ft. YG - "Don't Tell 'Em"#42 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Jeremih: Don't tell 'em :Don't tell 'em :You ain't even Todd (VO): This is actually the closest I came to liking a DJ Mustard beat this year. Like it or not, the dude does get in your head. Unfortunately, he handed off that beat to that mouth-breathing doofus Jeremih, the poor man's Jason DeRulo. Todd: Although I do note that "body like the summer" is a strangely poetic line for a song like this. :Jeremih: Body like the summer, fuckin' like no other :Don't you tell 'em what we do Todd: dramatic Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Hell, yeah, let's fuck! Don't tell 'em, don't tell 'em! Rixton - "Me and My Broken Heart"#70 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Rixton: Me and my broken heart Todd (VO): You don't know who these guys are, but you should probably hate them more than you do. Man, I warned you guys about Maroon 5, and no one listened, and now the wannabes are filtering in. scoffs John Legend - "All of Me"#3 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :John: 'Cause all of me... Todd (VO): Snore. Hozier - "Take Me to Church"#14 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2015, did not appear on 2014 list :Hozier: Take me to church :I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies Todd (VO): Uh, people have been asking me if this is going on the Best list this year. Uh...I have absolutely no idea why anyone anywhere would ever want to listen to this. It's...oh, God, it's awful, it's like sitting through a funeral. Todd: So to answer your question, no, it's not gonna be on the Best list. Justin Timberlake - "Not a Bad Thing"#45 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Justin: So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me Todd (VO): In 2006, Justin Timberlake told us he was bringing sexy back. In 2014, he told us that he's, quote... Todd: ..."not a bad thing." If there's any better measure of Justin's rapidly decreasing clout as an entertainer, I don't know it. Katy Perry ft. Juicy J - "Dark Horse"#2 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Katy: Are you ready for, ready for Todd (VO): Holy shit, I didn't have room on the list for "Dark Horse"?! Christ, this year. Nicki Minaj - "Anaconda"#36 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Nicki: Oh my gosh :Look at her butt Todd (VO): This is also going on the honorable mentions for the Best list, for the record. Todd: Well, are you ready? Are you ready to find out what the single worst hit song was of this entire god-forsaken year? Oh yeah, let's do this. Interlude #1 Todd (VO): Number o-- Todd: It's "Wiggle." #1. Jason DeRulo ft. Snoop Dogg - "Wiggle"#40 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Jason and Snoop Dogg: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle Todd: Surprise! Yeah. Todd (VO): There was basically no chance that anything else was gonna top the Worst list this year. In fact, I was having nightmares that something would come along that was somehow worse. Like, I'd call up my friends in the middle of the night, and they'd have to reassure me that, "no, Todd, you're being silly. Nothing like that could ever happen." Todd: But you know how it is with trauma—it only has to happen once, and you're looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life. Todd (VO): Just like "Shake It Off," I could make a Top 10 list out of the worst moments of just this song. Hell, I could make a Top 20 out of that! :Jason: You know what to do with that big, fat butt Todd: Yeah, that would be on there. :Jason: Go ahead and go ham sammich Todd: Yup. :Jason: Schwing Todd (VO): Wait, hold on, I missed that one. Todd: Did I hear that right? Did he just go, "schwing"? :Snoop Dogg: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle :Jason: Schwing Todd: Wow, what a clever reference. :Clip from ''Wayne's World '' :Wayne (Mike Myers): Not! Todd (VO): "Wiggle" is one of those insta-bad songs that everyone everywhere knows exactly where they were the first time they heard it. This is legitimately the worst ass song that has ever been made. Yes... Todd: ...worse than "My Humps." Todd (VO): The king has been dethroned. There was once a time where I was blessedly ignorant about what to do with that big, fat butt, but those innocent days are over. Thanks, Jason DeRulo. Todd: Now please shut your big, fat mouth. :Jason: Schwing :Snoop Dogg: Damn, baby, you got a bright future behind you Closing tag song: Nico & Vinz - "Am I Wrong"#14 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 THE END This video is owned by me Stop bugging me about the next video! I'm working on it! Footnotes Category:Guides Category:Todd In The Shadows Transcripts Category:Countdown Lists